DAD STORIES: “BARERSHOP”

My dad calls me.

“Andy, didn’t you tell me you wanted to get a haircut? When was you going to do that?”

“I don’t know, today maybe.”

“I’ll tell ya what let’s do, Lee, my barber, is retiring soon. He’s the best barber in the world! Let me take ya and it’ll be my treat.”

“Yeah, that’ll work. Thanks!”

“He’s the best, he tells me his stories, he trims my ear hair and he puts aftershave on me! Want to meet me there in an hour?”

“Yeah, see you then.”

One hour later.

We walk in to the barbershop and my dad announces our arrival.

“Lee, this is my son Andy! He’s going to get his haircut from ya today, he’s gettin’ pretty shaggy! Take your hat off, son.”

Lee puts his hand out.

“Eric?”

“No, Andy.”

“Nice to meet you!”

“Nice to meet you too, Lee.”

“Call me Lee!”

“Um.”

“Have a seat right there, Eric!”

He makes with the haircut.

“Working today?”

“Well I’m going to help my dad and…”

Interruption.

“I had the day off the other day, Veterans Day!”

“Are you a veteran?”

“Yes sir, Korea! Army!”

“Oh, wow.”

“You will learn discipline in the service! I had a Sgt. under me, Sgt. Davies. He was stealing muffins from the mess hall! Once I found out about it, he wasn’t doing it for very much longer!”

“Yeah?”

“Once I got word, decided I would confront him after PT in the shower. So, I walked right up to him and Sgt. Davies was pretty well hung and I asked him about the muffins.”

“Wait, what?”

“I said I asked him about the muffins.”

“Yeah, but what did you say before that?”

“I said Sgt. Davies was pretty well hung.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“It doesn’t, this is about how it’s wrong to steal.”

“Um?”

“Your dad tells me you’re in the plays.”

“The what?”

“The plays, you know, where you go on stage and put on a show.”

“Oh, well, I do stand-up comedy.”

“My brother was in the plays, he could sing like a bird!”

“Oh yeah, was he well hung?”

My dad chimes in.

“Andy, this isn’t the place for you to do one of your perverted talent skits! This is where I get my haircut!”