DAD STORIES: “ELMER”

Sometimes my old man worries I’ve gotten to be too modern and liberal. Luckily, he’s always there to remind me where I come from:

“Andy, I tell ya about Elmer?!”

“Yeah, you have.”

“I had a bull named Elmer when I was about your age.”

“I know, you’ve told me.”

“I’d go down to my uncle Ralph’s farm with a can of grain and shake it up and man, Elmer would come runnin’. Nobody believed that I could get a cow to come runnin’ to me like that but I did!”

“Yeah.”

“One day I had to fence him in the corner because my uncle Ralph’s friend was keeping a couple cows in the same field. I got lazy though and used cheap, cruddy fence and it wasn’t a couple hours before Elmer broke down that fence fence and got both those cows pregnant!”

“Man.”

“Elmer wasn’t supposed to do that!”

“That’s nuts.”

“I didn’t want him to do it, my uncle Ralph didn’t want him to do it, my uncle Ralph’s friend didn’t want him to do it and my uncle Ralph’s friend’s cows didn’t want him to do it, but he broke down the fence and did it anyway!”

“Yeah, he was horny.”

“Andy, don’t be perverted!”

“Oh.”

“Look, my point is I turn on the TV and see all these Hollywood animal support groups who talk about animals being innocent and they just don’t know! Elmer wasn’t innocent, he was guilty! What he did was wrong! So you can just tell that to all your liberal comedian friends the next time they give you grief about having steak! You can tell them that story, I am giving you permission to tell them that story!”